by Kirby Hasseman
One of the most frustrating things in the world can be trying to help someone else work through a problem. That’s because, without emotion or history, the answer to their problem often seems very clear. You have the distance to see the problem for what it is, and the clarity to see how to fix it.
Sometimes, you have even been where they have been. So you not only see the problem, but you know the solutions and the pitfalls. From your vantage point, the problem they are facing (or the goal they are chasing) is simple.
So you make the necessary suggestions that come to mind.
- Read this book.
- Here, listen to this podcast
- This is what you need to say.
- This is the work you need to do.
But often, it seems, despite your well meaning intentions and your well researched suggestions, the instruction falls on deaf ears. They seem unwilling or unable to do what seems simple to you. It’s just a reminder that “simple is not the same as easy.” When you strip away emotion and history, problems can seem straightforward, but that is not how problems come. They present themselves (often) completely lathered in emotion and with history baked into the core.
So while you can diagnose a problem, and you can suggest solution, you can’t make me do it. You can’t help me.
Regardless of whether we are talking about fixing a relationship, education, growing a business, building an organization, or amending a behavior, there is only so much you can do. You can show me the way. You can provide a light on the path. It’s even possible to shout encouragement from the sideline. But you can’t help me do the work.
Doing the work is up to me.
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by Kirby Hasseman
Asking the right questions is incredibly important.
When you first meet with a new prospect, asking the right questions can help you better understand them. (Here are a list of 20 great questions). Asking great questions can help you be a better listener. When you take the time to ask great questions of others, good things can happen.
But it’s important to ask yourself the right questions too.
When you ask yourself a question, you are giving your subconscious mind a puzzle to start working on. In the background of your conscious thoughts, your subconscious brain will keep spinning to think through every potential solution until it reveals itself. That’s why most of us have had an epiphany about solution when we are not thinking about the problem at all. The solution just appears when we are mowing the lawn, or taking a shower, or going for a run. This happens each time we ask ourselves a question.
Thats why it’s important to ask yourself bigger and better questions.
Don’t simply ask, “how can I have enough?” Instead ask “How can I impact my community?”
If you want to have a more vibrant and interesting life, ask bigger and more interesting questions.
We continue to try and ask interesting questions. We cover them here with content on our blog. You can find that here. And if you want to sign up and make sure you never miss an update, sign up for our VIP newsletter here. We send one email per week with all of the content in one place.
by Kirby Hasseman
I wrote a post recently about Colin Kaepernick and the idea that his actions and words did not align. He has been saying (for nearly 3 years) that he wants a job in the NFL, and when given the recent opportunity to workout for teams, he pulled out at the last minute and did a workout on his own. To me, his words were saying one thing, but his actions said another. The lesson for the rest of us, I thought, was that we need to make sure our words match our actions, if we want to be successful in our goals.
While the post was met with lots of positive feedback, the push back came in from the respectful (saying I was misinformed) to the insulting (saying I was a knucklehead and a racist). In short, most of the disagreement came down to a simple message. “It’s not fair.”
Let me be clear, there has been so much bad blood between the NFL and Colin Kaepernick, that I could not cover it in this blog. It would take a book. Kaepernick supporters will tell you that the NFL has not acted in good faith. They were not transparent. Indeed, the NFL had other motives all along. The NFL, after all, is the bad guy here. In other words, “It’s not fair.”
To that I respond with a simple question. “So?”
I stand by my statement that, at the end of the day, Kaepernick says he wants a job with one of the 32 NFL teams. If you really want that opportunity, you do what it takes to get it. You go to whatever interview. You workout when asked. If your words say you want the job, your actions need to match them. That is all.
Life is not fair. If you want to reach a goal, you go after it anyway.
It never seems fair when the largest company in your space has more buying power and more leverage. And yet, if you want to compete, you have to go to market anyway.
When my oldest daughter wanted to be a professional dancer, she drove 2 hours to an audition, was allowed to do an 8 count of dance with 60 other dances, and was dismissed. It wasn’t fair. There is no way they could have really known her ability in those 6 seconds. And yet, if she wanted to be a professional dancer, she had to suck it up and go to the next audition.
It’s not fair that a small local competitor is willing to undercut you on every bid. Despite the fact that you provide better service and quality, it’s not fair that your customer sees you as equals!
You may look at the the system and decide you don’t want to compete. You may feel the need to change the game or get out entirely. A select few might want to re-think their tactics and try to compete in a different way. It’s your call. But the market does not care if “it’s not fair.”
When it comes to chasing your goals and dreams, the lesson is simple (but not easy). Go after it. Show up. Do the work. Or don’t. It’s your call.
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by Kirby Hasseman
Have you ever told your brain to “Bring me another thought?” Here is a statement I have found to be true: “You cannot consistently act inconsistently with your thoughts.”
It is old wisdom that says, “As you think, you shall be.” It’s one of the reasons that I spend a lot of time and energy trying to manage the very beginning of my day. I find that most people spend a lot of their day living in the past or in the future. They are frustrated with yesterday or they are worried about tomorrow. This is not a happy way to live, and it’s not particularly productive either.
In his book, “Solve For Happy,” Mo Gawdat spends a great deal of time talking about this. He says that if you look at nearly every negative emotion in our life, you find a common theme. They are not rooted in the present moment. If you look at anger and frustration, for example, they are usually reminding us of something that happened yesterday. The tension of worry and anxiety usually come from projecting what might happen tomorrow. The past is over and the future is not (yet) real.
Unless you are in pain, Gawdat explains, the best way to be more joyful is to live in the present moment. I talk about living in the “IS” here.
Bring Me Another Thought
Another concept in the book that I found helpful was the idea that “we are not our thoughts.” Though we are flooded with thoughts all day long, we have the ability to separate from our thoughts. We don’t have to take every single thought that rolls through our head as “fact.” We get to choose. Gawdat says that when he finds that the thoughts in his head are negative and not helpful, he will simply say “Bring me another thought please.”
It may sound silly, but it is an intentional act where you take control of your thoughts again. At first, I was a bit uneasy about this idea, but I have found the act of saying these words out loud actually make me smile.
As I said, you cannot act inconsistently with your thoughts. If that’s the case, it’s time to choose better thoughts.
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by Kirby Hasseman
We all know that guy or gal. They have lots to say about an issue or an idea. They talk a big game. But when it comes to showing up and doing the work, they often seem to be absent.
These people frustrate us for many reasons. First off, many times, these folks seem to reek of high potential. You can see it. If they would just put in the work, they could be amazing. But they don’t seem willing to able to see the idea through to the end. It’s the reason there are countless memes that say “Hustle beats Talent.” They are inspirational for those of us (like me) who don’t have the most talent. They are also true.
The second reason this bothers us is because it shows they have a lack of integrity. People who are “all talk and no action” tell us they are going to do one thing, but their actions don’t match their words. They tell us how they are going to conquer the world, but then they binge watch Game of Thrones instead. It’s a choice. And this choice shows us what they really want. Their words lie to us, but their actions tell the truth.
And inevitably, when their bold predictions don’t come true, they play the blame game.
It can’t be their fault. The world was stacked against them. It was not the work that they did not do. It was just not fair.
And that leads me to Ex-NFL Quarterback Colin Kaepernick.
For those that don’t follow sports, Colin Kaepernick is a former NFL Quarterback. He led the San Francisco 49’ers to a Super Bowl appearance and was on his was to a stellar NFL career. To make a very long story short, he then decided to protest police brutality by kneeling for the National Anthem. He became a national lightning rod and, since then, has not been able to find work in the NFL. Like I said, I am making a long story short.
Kaepernick is a very talented athlete, that stood up (or rather kneeled) for what he believed. Whether you like Kaepernick or not (and he is incredibly polarizing), I love the idea that we are able to do that in the United States. So I was encouraged and intrigued when I heard that he NFL had created a “workout day” for Kaepernick to perform for any team interested in checking out if he could still play. Like many fans of the sport, I was curious to see how the workout went, and where Kaepernick might end up.
Alas, it was a workout that never actually happened. After weeks of planning, the NFL had 25 teams scheduled to come and see Kaepernick workout. About an hour and a half before the event, Kaepernick changed his mind and decided to hold his own workout about 60 minutes away. Only 7 or 8 teams came to the event. Afterward, Kaepernick came out and said the NFL needs to “stop running.” The whole thing was as confusing as it was frustrating.
Why? Because his actions do not match his words.
Kaepernick says he wants to play in the NFL again. He says he is being discriminated against. He even sued the NFL. But at the end of the day, there is a path to get back in the league and he continually doesn’t take it. Time after time, Kaepernick pokes the people he wishes to employ him in the eye. Regardless of your occupation, that is no way to get a job.
I think that is why many of us find Kaepernick so frustrating. I would love for him to succeed, but he is like that friend of ours. He has the talent and the ability. When you chat with him, he talks a big game. But when the time comes to “put up or shut up,” he fails to come through.
The lesson here stares us in the mirror. Many of us profess to want the big results in sales or business. But are you really willing to put in the work? Are you really ready to have your actions match your words? The good news and bad news is, it’s only up to you.
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by Kirby Hasseman
I remember being told when I was a teenager, “You would worry less about what people think of you if you realized how little they did.”
This is not an insult to how important YOU are, it’s just an important reminder that we all have a selfish human nature. Seth Godin writes about this in his blog today. That selfish human nature is not inherently bad. It just is. It’s the way we are. On the other hand, it gets me thinking about how useful that is. With everyone focused on their own interest, it gives you the chance to do these three things.
Helps To Silence “That Voice”
If most people are not paying attention, then you can ignore that voice inside your head that says that “everyone will laugh at you.” They won’t even notice you. You have the ability and permission to try new things and fail. You can stumble. You can struggle without the worry that everyone will turn down their nose. If you are willing to put in that work when no one is watching, then they might take notice when you come out on the other side.
Let People Off The Hook (when not listening)
We often get frustrated with other people when they don’t seem to care as much about our project as we do. It must be important, right? We love it! We worked so hard on it. Understanding that everyone is working on their own life, project and world will give you the grace to forgive them. They don’t care as much about your project as you do…and that’s ok. If you work hard and long enough on your project, the people that are truly interested in your passion will show up.
Attention is Kindness
I believe that Kindness can be a Superpower. And if we understand that most people don’t really notice you at all (unless you are in front of them) then you can be kind in a different way. Show people attention. Give them your time. Smile. Look them in the eye. Notice them. In a world that is starved for kindness, giving people your attention can be an act of kindness in itself.
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